Soulmates are seen as the epitome of partners, the people we’re destined to be with and with whom a relationship will flow more easily than with others. But do we really know what we’re talking about when we focus our energies on this abstract word, rather than more defined and practical terms? Soulmate or not, what does it matter if a partner gives you everything you need?
What’s your personal definition of a soulmate?
Most of us who have been in relationships are very clear about the things we’re not looking for and the experiences we don’t want to repeat. The way for things not to work can be so deeply ingrained in us that we fail to see it’s all we’re focusing on, and thus in turn attracting. Really, when searching for a new partner, you need to think about the opposite of what you don’t want. What are the actual qualities you foresee your future partner having? Are they kind, generous, funny, supportive?
Don’t smother this person in a neat little box labelled soulmate. Open it up and work out what that word really means for you.
How important is looks and physical attraction?
As much as looks are sometimes classed as a superficial factor in love, being attracted physically to your partner is crucial. This in no way means you must find them irresistible, it means that at very least their smile, their eyes or the confidence with which they walk is something you never tire of seeing. There are many industries now that would have us believe we all need to be as physically perfect as we can, in every way. The reality is that soulmates are as much about challenging our view of the world as they are about enhancing it. They may not look perfect, but the lesson they provide could be.
The danger of having a very strong and rigid focus on looks is that you become blind to love that shows up with red hair instead of the blond you wanted, or with white skin instead of the brown you’re used to. Be clear about your must-haves, and your nice-to-haves, but be
even clearer when making them conditions for love.
What does your soulmate want?
When discussing soulmates, it’s very rare to hear people talk about the needs of that person. How your soulmate treats you and others is of course vital to know, but give them the courtesy of considering their needs too. This should be a key factor in your quest for love.
It’s natural to a certain extent for people to focus on their own desires, but thinking about how we treat our soulmate can be an extremely worthwhile exercise. Thinking ahead will not only prepare you, but also highlight changes you need to make and ways you need to grow and develop yourself. For example, you could find that your soulmate wants to be loved unconditionally and will want to know they’re your number one priority. You may then look at your seventy-hour working week and realise that you’re not yet a match to provide this person with what they need. It gives you a choice then to either make a change, or re-evaluate what your heart is asking for.
How does your soulmate treat other people?
Along with being consumed with how we want to be treated, we can forget how we want our soulmate to treat the other people they come into contact with. This needs to extend beyond relationships which are immediately beneficial to us, i.e. with our children or our parents and friends. How does your soulmate treat people who earn less than them, people who upset or anger them, staff who wait on them or strangers in distress? Get as rounded a picture of your future beau as you can, and when they show up never underestimate the power of watching them interact with others.
The reality of searching for a soulmate
People with ambition and standards will always attempt to get the best out of situations they’re presented with, and this includes looking for someone to share their life. If finding a soulmate is the pinnacle of your love ambition, it’s important you know the reality of it, as well as the very attainable happy-ever-after.
The reality is that having and knowing your romantic soulmate does not automatically mean a blissful forever love. It is entirely possible to be incompatible, on any as yet unknown level, with your soulmate. This could be either in the long or even the short term. You may be wonderfully suited mentally or emotionally, but they may also come with the small children you never wanted, the desire to emigrate that you don’t share, or an unwillingness to commit in the way that you have always dreamt about.
Remember that soulmates are not just lovers we marry and spend the rest of our lives with, they are also our friends. They are people we come across in our daily lives and not all are suitable for love. Even when they are, it takes more than being a soulmate to sustain romantic relationships, so have better, clearer, more defined goals to help you.
Written by Mindset Coach Tori Ufondu on behalf of Macbeth International.